Goodbye and butterflies

Just a real quick post from California because I know my gram would want me to share especially with my family back home. I am in no shock, grandma waited and took all the pain of the wait until I was able to handle it. That was just my gram completely unselfish. You come to a point when you love someone so much you pray for them to go and have their pain taken away. I never thought I would be strong enough to let her go, but she unselfishly made sure I was. It still hurts but, she waited until I was ready to feel the joy for her to move on. She is with my grandpa and her daughter Shirley now both of whom I helped her grieve the losses of on a daily basis after everyone else had to go back to living. It was hard at such a young age but she needed me there everyday and after all she had done for me and meant to me I did not mind. We spent so much time together there was hardly a day growing up I was not with her. She would even come pick me up and take me back to college when I was feeling homesick and always tell me she missed me so much she would do it anytime. I will never forget the day I was married and gram came up to me and said how happy she was on that day "this feels like my day wedding too.". Or when she went with us to the courthouse to finalize Tucker's adoption and she told everyone in the room how much she had prayed for this little fella to come into our family. The day gram first had her stroke 6 years ago, the kids and I were staying on the farm with my parents and I had asked gram to come keep Jaycie Claire for me in the morning ,the night before so I could run to town and get diapers for 4 month old Jaycie. She was so excited to get some alone time with the baby in the morning she told me she probably wouldn't sleep. That morning it was 5 minutes past gram's arrival time. I just knew something was wrong I called and called and no answer so I called my mom who ran over from work to find her having had the stroke and called the ambulance. When I arrived to the hospital shortly after the ambulance driver was in the waiting room and asked "who was Amy? I said I was and he said your grandmother told me I had to get ahold of you and let you know she did not think she could watch Jaycie Claire this morning, he said that is all she talked about the whole ride to the hospital, her concern that you would have to find someone to watch Jaycie Claire! That sums up my grandma completely, the woman just had a major stroke and all she could worry about was me finding a sitter. Lol, love you gram! There are so many stories, worth telling about my gram, and I am sure they will be told here because, that is what I do I "write it out". But, this morning I just felt like I needed to let you know how special she really was. So, rewind to Tuesday, the last time I saw gram, I had her all to myself and I knew I needed to say goodbye. She was alert, I asked her if she knew who I was and she said, I'm not gonna lie I can't remember your name. I said it's Amy. And I swear her eyes lit up so big and she said "I have an Amy!". I said it me gram and she said your so grown up since I say you last I didn't recognize you. So sweet, I got to hold her had and tell her I would be ok if she was ready to go. She was in a lot of pain and I told her I was ready and would be ok she didn't need to suffer for me. And she said ok. And it was so peaceful, she smiled at me and said it would be really soon, and I said just take care of us from heaven and she said she always would. We sat and she thanked me for all the tome I spent with her so she never felt lonely, and I thank,Ed her for everything she did for me. It was an amazing gift she gave me once again. And then in true grandma style she wanted to know where her kids were, I said they were in the car with Jason did she want me to go get them? And she looked at me like I was crazy and said well yes! So, I even got to bring them in and they were able to see her one last time and put a smile on her face as well. Yet another gift from gram to me. And with that she and I were good, I knew when I kissed her goodbye and left that room it would be the last time I saw her on earth. I boarded a plane with my family to california knowing that and sure enough I got the call 2 days later she had passed. It hurts but, because of what my grandma did for me all the way to the end, it is peaceful and comforting at the same time. I have never lost someone so close to me that I loved enough to be ready to let go. It's an amazing way to feel. I am so happy for her right now knowing she is watching over us and up in heaven celebrating with all her friends, grandpa, and especially our beloved aunt shirley. This brings me to the butterflies. Right before I got the call grandma had passed a beautiful butterfly land right beside me at the park. So unique and special for a Midwest girl in January. I know it was a gift from grandma as she left. And yesterday yet again, I was deep in a childhood memory with my gram and what fluttered right by me? A butterfly. Thanks for those gram you couldn't have picked a more perfect gift to send me. I will miss you so much but, it is so comforting to know you are always with me still. Have fun in heaven till we all get there and keep sending the butterflies you could not have picked a more perfect gift as usual!

Comments

[Katie Scott]

Sending virtual hugs and I totally love signs like your butterfly.

During the week of my grandma's passing several years ago, I took time outs from the nursing home and went scrapbook shopping. I took comfort in looking at the supplies somehow and seeing little signs in what I found. I hope the distraction of CHA will give you some comfort.

P.S. Miss your podcast :)

[Brenda Lubrant]

I am so sorry for your loss, Amy. I know what you are feeling right now. I lost my daughter allost 2 years ago. She always mentioned to me that if she would pass on, she would come back as a butterfly. I always remembered that and thought of her always as butterflies frequented my flower beds this summer. The best to you. Your friend,

Brenda

[Denise]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but happy that you had the chance to say goodbye. Not many people get the opportunity say goodbye to their loved one when they pass. Keep her memories alive in your heart and soul and you will have her forever. Make some memory books to hand down to your children. I'm going to make Pop-Pop, Beebom, and Grandpa books for my DD to remember her grandparents who have left her. Prayers to you, your family, and mostly to your Gram for being such a wonderful person in your life.

[Renee J.]

Amy, I am so sorry for the loss of your Gram. I know she will always be with you, though. You have a bond that will always be there. Your Gram sounds like a treasure who will always be in your heart.

Hugs,

Renee J.

[Laura Lien]

Thanks for sharing such a sweet and touching part of your life. Made me all teary. So sorry for your loss but am so happy that you have such wonderful memories! Was never close to my grandparents due to my parents. So I am hoping for that awesome day when I have grandchildren so I can be a major part of their lives!